I am trying to remember the details. All I can remember is the sensation of warm cotton against my wet cheek. Cold stone walls. I can remember nails against skin, and the feeling of the shot moving through my veins… the dark it brought on.

Back in the Midwest to visit the family.

I always feel somewhat out of place. But I imagine that the majority of people feel somewhat out of place venturing back “home”.

Vivid dreams about warehouses and mild weather… I can almost taste summer when I wake up.

An ex of mine facebook messaged me the other day to apologize for being abusive and manipulative during our relationship. We have not dated for many years, and I don’t really consider her very much in my day to day existance. But it stirred something in me, has made me reconsider a lot about myself and my relationships with other people.

My most recent ex and I are attempting to be friends. Which is difficult and always challenging. I feel a lot of anger towards her for some of the ways she has treated me. I am sure she feels a lot of anger towards me as well. I have been struggling to find ways to articulate my anger.

To put a logic and a language behind this anger. Behind my emotion. This has been a challange for me for a long time. I don’t know why I feel like my emotions are completely inaccessible.

I have created a series of roadblocks which I am trying to dismantle, in terms of emoting and finding ways to articulate myself that are not contributing to a cycle of verbal and emotional abuse and violence.

Mostly, I just feel hurt and confused. I feel isolated and overwhelmed by this sadness. I am not sure how to continue forward, and I don’t want to go back either.

Keeping the faith

ARGH!

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by relationships, friendships and expectations. What the fuck am I doing?

I have an official diagnosis. Schizoaffective Disorder Bi-Polar Type.

I’ve had it for years now. I don’t really know how to feel about the medical industrial complex, or the years spent on psych wards, talking to psychiatrists, therapists and social workers who believed more medication would lessen my problems.

The medication was like being locked in a personal hell. And while I know meds can be useful for some people, I have been off the meds for almost 6 years now.

I am what they call High Functioning. I can go to school, hold down a job (most of the time). I have friends and personal relationships. I am an activist and a thinker and I know for a fact some of the “craziest” people are committed to change.

What makes “normal” normal? Who decides what a person needs to be able to do, or handle, or believe in in order to be an acceptable person? A decent person?

I cannot sleep these days. Day one. Channeling the energy into something better.